Lately, I have been hearing lots of talk about “sex-positivity”, and I love it. I love that women are embracing their rights to have sex when it feels good when they want to, and with who they want.
I think it says a lot about how far we have come as a society that women can now embrace their sexuality and be empowered around their choices, not having to follow rules to get the man/women they want.
I believe men have been embracing this trend for quite some time, and there is now some equality occurring. It is interesting to see this trend occur. Despite all this, however, I still think women should wait to have sex and here is why…
When a woman has sex, her body immediately releases a chemical called Oxytocin. This chemical creates feelings of trust, love, nurturing and bonding. This feels awesome and, if you are with a man you know well, know he is genuinely trustworthy, and you love him, then this is great! No worries there.
But what happens if he is someone you just met at a bar for the first time that night? And you are someone with a highly traumatized background? Or you are a woman highly susceptible to attracting emotionally exploitive men like narcissists and sociopaths? Or you are a woman who quickly jumps into things with men who are emotionally unavailable and won’t commit?
Well, you may FEEL connected and bonded to him ANYWAY. That rush of Oxytocin prevents you from thinking clearly, and you begin to see someone as a potential partner who isn’t necessarily a match for your long-term needs.
Oxytocin CREATES feelings of love and a false intimacy that is not really there.
So, if you are susceptible to attracting narcissists and being love-bombed by one, remember that they will try to get you in bed quickly to get you attached heavily and FAST.
I tell my clients all the time that before sex, women are thinking clearly and AFTER sex, men are thinking clearly.
It’s about knowing yourself and knowing what you can handle. Being in your woman, not your little girl and making wise, grown-up decisions around your body that will help you create the future you are looking for.
And let’s be honest, sex is better the more you know someone. ?
I am just going to say it because it needs to be said. Not all men have the best intentions or are upfront about what they are looking for. And yes, there are TONS of women included in this category as well. But I help lots of women recover from the damage of emotionally exploitive men.
It just doesn’t make sense to hop into bed and share your body with someone you have known for four hours if you know you are looking for a long-term, committed and serious relationship. Why? Because you don’t know them, and you can’t possibly trust them yet.
You cannot possibly know and trust some guy you have known for only a few hours, especially if alcohol is involved. It takes time, effort, conversations, consistency, persistence, seasons, intimacy, courage, vulnerability, mistakes, etc. to really, really get to know a person and what his agenda is.
Sometimes you put all of that effort in, and you still get used and taken advantage of. But your chances of having a successful relationship with a healthy person are GREATER if you hold off on having a ton of extra chemicals surging in your brain confusing you and making it difficult for you to see this person for exactly who they are.
Yes, there are those rare and awesome stories of people having a one-night stand and they are now married for twenty years. BUT – what is much more common is people having one-night stands and never talking AGAIN.
If you are a survivor of trauma or of an emotionally abusive relationship, your brain chemistry is already altered by the trauma, and you will only benefit from thinking VERY clearly when choosing your next partner.
The odds are against you. I honestly think it’s fine for any woman to have sex whenever she wants to. That is her choice.
But as a dating coach for women, almost every day I hear from women who have hopped into bed with men BEFORE having the commitment they wanted and have had those men completely disappear on them.
Some of them have had those men stick around but refuse to commit to them. Some have had those men bounce in and out of their lives when it is convenient for them. Some have had those men use them for narcissistic reasons for many, many years, and create great trauma and pain. Some have had those men commit for just a few weeks and then say, “Oops, I am not really ready for a relationship, sorry”!
What is the commitment you want? Do you want to be married or engaged? Do you want a long-term relationship or just casual dating?It’s about looking at your long-term goals and deciding you are worth it. Really look at what will get you to your goal. Do you want marriage and a family?
Then isn’t it important to be thinking really clearly in the beginning stages of getting to know someone to decide if they are the right fit for you and can fit into your life?
My recommendation is that you always wait to have sex until you have the commitment that you want. No matter what. You are WORTH IT!
Having trouble getting him to commit? Not sure when to have sex? Book a FREE call and let’s chat!