The Narcissist – Many years ago, I fell deeply and madly in love with a narcissist. He was the most captivating, charming and charismatic man I had ever met and he swept me right off my feet.
We spent hours on the phone, flights back and forth, dates staring into each other’s eyes, and I was so deeply in love. I started receiving gifts of more expensive than I had experienced and going on the most lavish, fancy dates all over our respective cities.
I excitedly packed up my house, said good-bye to all my friends and hit the road for Texas, ready to start my amazing new life with this incredible new man. I just knew I had finally found the love of my life after searching for years and could not believe my amazing luck.
Once I moved in, little comments started to seep their way in. Honestly, many people would not have ever even noticed them. Comments about my hair, the clothes I wore, even my movie choices were not immune to his criticism.
All of a sudden, I had gone from Ms. Perfect in his eyes to Ms. Well there are actually a lot of things wrong with you and thank God he came along and can fix them all! I had many moments of doubting myself and, I so hate to admit it, changing things occasionally just to fit his desires.
I became just a shell of my former confident and vibrant self. I was plagued with crying spells, and days of depression hung over me like a dark cloud that just lingered. On days when I was not working, I had no energy to get out of bed – so those days became part of his critical nature as well.
Then, to my utter shock and horror, I was only living with him three short weeks before he asked me to leave. I quickly raced through those three weeks in my mind, wondering if I had done something wrong, said something crazy, or been too needy. I knew I had been an amazing partner and that this was not about me, so that left me searching for clues about what was wrong with HIM.
Step One: They Idealize you. In this phase, you literally are perfect and can do no wrong. You will typically be “love bombed” in this stage, which means that you will receive constant praise and attention – most likely having your phone blown up and your every desire catered to. The narcissist seems perfect as well during this phase.
He will be charismatic, charming, captivating and will SEEM to be a perfect match to you. I say seem because these guys are VERY clever at finding out exactly what makes you tick, what your hopes and dreams are, and then promising you the world. They will promise they want the exact same thing as you and swear they are the man for the job and attempt at this stage to isolate you from all other men. They are only mirroring your hopes and dreams, are future-faking you and this stage passes fairly quickly.
Step Two: Devalue Phase. In this phase, you are dropped from your pedestal (that you never asked to be put on in the first place!). This phase can be subtle or can come on like a ton of bricks depending on how slick and manipulative your narcissist really is. At this stage, he knows your weaknesses, fears, and disappointments in life. He slowly picks you apart and uses all the data he collected during the idealization phase to cause you to question your worth, your sanity and your hopes and dreams.
During this phase, many times, you are desperate to get back all of those feelings you had while you were “love bombed” so you will tolerate so much and even possibly change who you are to try and recapture those days. You find that this is impossible because YOU are not the one controlling this stage of the game and are not aware of what the rules really are. Hopefully, during this, you start to hit bottom and get out. If not, you move onto the final and most painful stage of all.
Stage Three: Discard Phase. In this phase, the Narcissist is done with you. At this point, you may or may not be aware you are actually involved with a narcissist and that the whole time, they have had a running source of narcissistic supply. Usually, this runs the gamut of a couple of women to a few hundred women and is devastating to the main partner when she makes the initial discovery.
At this point, this discard might happen for any dozens of reasons. He might have found someone he felt better suited to stroke his ego, you might no longer have the source he needed from you (money, car, house) or you might have busted him doing something wrong, and he is tired of your nagging. Either way, for the narcissist, you existed in his life to fit a need, play a role and fit a purpose. Once that is gone, he no longer needs you and is done with you.
My encouragement to you? When you see him with this new source (don’t call her a partner because she never is with a narcissist), don’t believe the hype.
Do NOT believe the lie that they are so happy together and their love is perfect because it is not.
He will do the exact same thing to her and has already started. So soon, she will experience the devalue phase and then the actual discard.
One day you will be very, very grateful you escaped and are onto finding love with someone who can actually give it to you and will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I have opened up my calendar for the next two days to women who are hurting around their toxic ex’s narcissism and are ready to FEEL BETTER. Schedule your FREE call today!
As a survivor of this painful dynamic, I am here to help you heal! Let’s do this!