I abandoned myself for every single man I ever loved. My entire life is riddled with man after man coming into my life and leaving with a tiny piece of my heart and soul being devastated.
I chose to abandon who I really am instead of being authentic, instead of letting myself be seen and heard for the amazing Darcy Iverson who is truly beautiful and perfect just as she is.
Unfortunately, that is a truth I didn’t always believe. I believed that these men held a missing piece, a piece that had the answers, a piece that would make me feel complete and that once I felt finally loved, life would make sense.
Here is where I searched for this…
The Drug Addict who constantly lied to me about his sobriety and cheated on me repeatedly. We went back and forth and broke up constantly, and I stayed – no matter what. I stayed because he told me he loved me, and I really didn’t believe I was lovable.
It was the first time that I had moments and glimpses of feeling loved and even though I really knew it was all a fantasy, I wanted to be in a fantasy more than I wanted to be in the harsh reality of never feeling loved. I left him when I found out he was shooting up heroin with a girl and sleeping with her. That, finally, was too much for me.
The College Guy who was too needy. He smothered me and never left me alone. I stayed because he believed in me. I was going through a pretty wild phase, and no one really believed in my ability to pull myself out of it. He did. He encouraged me every day and had faith in me. I needed that faith and instead of getting my own s&*t together, I used him. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t with him and broke his heart.
The Rockstar who was SO hot. He had more baggage than a Delta flight. He was emotionally unavailable and would disappear for days and ignore all my calls. My higher self wanted to kick him to the curb because I knew I was better than that, but my little girl needed love desperately and so I stayed. I didn’t know how to love her, and so I put that responsibility on him constantly. I abandoned myself and put up with him disappearing for days on end. He broke up with me when I was admitted to the hospital with a bad reaction to a medication and never spoke to me again.
The Guy I Was In Love With For Years and finally got the chance to be with. The first month was everything I hoped it could be and I fantasized that finally, I would have the love I had always wanted. Slowly it started to creep in that he had a drug and alcohol problem that he had a ton of denial around and no desire to change. I still deeply loved him as much as I always had, but it became very clear that we had no chance of being together.
I still answered the phone for two years afterward, hoping and praying that he would tell me things had changed. I never met another guy in all this time and sabotaged my chances of finding love because I was hanging on to someone who couldn’t love me the way I truly deserved. He didn’t love himself, so there was no way he could show up for me. It took me a lot longer to realize this than I want to admit.
The Guy Who Was Finally Securely Attached. The guy who actually had his life together and loved me exactly as I had always wanted to be loved. This guy was hot, worked out, took care of himself, wanted commitment, was family-oriented and loved me with all he had. What did I do? I blew it. I was terrified of true intimacy because I had never had it, and so I pushed it away. I called him from work one day and told him I wasn’t in love with him anymore. That I was bored. That we had grown apart. That we weren’t a fit. And I gave him the apartment and all of our stuff out of guilt and fled to create a new life. I only took the cat. I regretted this breakup for years.
The Sex Addict who was sexy, funny, loving, exciting, rich and fun to be with. He consistently and constantly chose porn over me and I cried more in this relationship than I had ever cried in my life. It brought up all my wounds about not being good enough, all the stories I had about other women being better than me and every limiting belief I ever had about all men cheating.
We finally came to the table and decided to try and save our relationship. We both committed and what followed was the most intimate experience I had ever had with a man. Therapy, couples therapy, treatment for him and all kinds of deep dive work. I saw a man cry, love himself, and I finally felt seen, heard and loved. I learned to trust myself in this relationship and anytime he would have a “slip” (look at porn) I would know before he even told me.
One month after my engagement ring was delivered, he admitted in couple’s therapy that he didn’t want recovery anymore and wanted to go back to porn. Devastated, I left the relationship and almost destroyed my life. I started smoking cigarettes after nine years of abstinence, hooking up with a guy, shopping like crazy and anything that would help me numb the pain. It took me years to heal and open my heart again.
The Widower who I was blown away by him right away. Sensitive, smart, gorgeous, caring and funny. I liked him immediately but I was still guarded and struggled to be myself. I believed it would be better to use strategy on our dates and try to “win” him. It failed utterly. He called me out on it and said he was also seeing someone else and thought she might be a better fit for him because there was this guarded energy about me that he couldn’t quite place. I didn’t date for a long time after this and was ashamed of myself and felt like I really screwed up my chance at a great relationship.
Why did I always choose men over me?
You see, I grew up never really feeling seen, heard or loved. This was not the fault of my family at all. I want to make that very crystal clear.
I was born a highly sensitive child who was an empath and this was not something my family had never dealt with. Nor was it something back in 1979 that was being talked about in schools or in society like it is today.
So, things would happen in my family of origin that my brothers would handle totally and completely fine and I would be a total wreck for days. One time, I was riding my bike as a kid and I fell down a very large hill and hurt myself pretty badly. I remember being terrified and in a lot of pain and my oldest brother brushing it off as not that big of a deal. But for me, it was a huge deal.
I processed trauma very differently as a highly sensitive person and no one knew what to do with that and so I grew up feeling like no one really knew me or understood me.
So, when I met a guy who claimed to really see me and love me for who I was, well, I was all over that. I also was very susceptible to attracting highly emotionally exploitative men because of how sensitive I was and they would say anything they needed to say to create more of their “narcissistic supply.”
I fell many times into the trap of “love bombing” because I deeply did not love myself.
Today, this is not my story. I abandon myself for no one. I prioritize no one else’s opinion of me over my own opinion of myself.
I made a commitment after the widower that I would never abandon myself for another relationship and I am very proud to say that this is still my truth, five years later.
I tolerate zero abuse in any of my relationships and I allow for zero disrespect.
My little girl is deeply loved and seen by me and I no longer put her on other people’s laps and ask them to complete her.
I am seen, heard and loved in many relationships and live my truth with my tribe on a daily basis. I recognize emotionally exploitive people coming 80 billion miles away and I shut them down before they can even open their abusive, dishonest mouths.
The men in my life are not shoving chemicals down their throats because they are in so much pain and cannot handle reality.
I stand in deep, daily pride to be Mrs. Darcy Iverson.
My question is this…will you join me?
Are you done abandoning who you are? Done missing out on the love and life you KNOW you deserve? If you know you are… Schedule a FREE Consultation!